frozen pavement

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you haven’t written in quite a while.

a phrase that has daily slipped through my thought process.

where are your words? have you lost your voice?

it’s humbling, honestly.

not knowing what to say.

it’s freeing, honestly.

not feeling the need to speak.

of course, i love having a voice.

i am grateful.

i strive to be an advocate for those without such an opportunity.

i think everyone deserves to be heard,

even if we don’t feel like we have much to say.

that’s just it though.

we come with nothing to offer.

i open this empty space and cry out because honestly,

i am nothing.

i am nothing.


maybe my lack of voice is from exhaustion.

maybe confusion.

maybe peace.

maybe wrestling.

maybe over-emotion.

my soul feels like winter.

that bitter wind that takes your breath away.

that leaves you feeling suffocated.

you step outside and you run as quickly as you can to your destination.

you long for warmth.

for comfort.

for breath.


sometimes i feel suffocated.

not often, but it comes.

sometimes everything shifts.

you think you have life figured out, even for a season.

you think you’ve gotten used to the weather for a change.

and out of nowhere, 50 degrees turns into 0 degrees.

life flips upside down.

God says no.

plans change.

snow falls.

and for a moment, you can’t breathe.

i am suffocating.


i am out of control.

everything around me is spinning.

my life is wrapped up in the blizzard.

my job, my church, my community, my goals.

my future.

my present.

my life.

i am out of control.

my tires are sliding on the frozen pavement.

i see moment after moment flipping through my mind.

i sit in neutral with my palms sweating and heart crying.

why, oh Lord.

i am out of control.

and i am at peace with it.

i have never been in control.

but i have learned to appreciate it.

i see how futile my plans are.

i know how perfect His timing is.


this weekend, i celebrated new life with my best friend as she proclaimed her faith and was baptized.

this weekend, i saw the Lord’s faithfulness in ways that friend doesn’t even understand.

in may of this year, i sat in a coffee shop begging for clarity.

why was i angry.

why was the anger different this time.

i cursed at the Lord for this sole reason: that the human i loved probably more than anyone else was so distant from Him, and that He was not doing enough to fight for her.

oh, my faithless soul.

in july of this year, i sat outside of chick-fil-a.

i made plans with my kindred spirit to move away and start a new adventure.

we laughed and we dreamed.

we pushed forward.

in september of this year, i picked up a girl that i had never met from the airport.

my best friend and i drove her all the way to Colorado.

we laughed.

we sang.

we shared hearts.

in november of this year, God said no.

God said stay.

God said trust me, again.

in december of this year, my best friend proclaimed her love for the Lord.

her okayness with being out of control.

the same friend that i spent months yelling at our faithful God for.

oh, my faithless heart.

oh how fickle.

how quickly do i forget His faithfulness.

His goodness.

how i doubt His plan.

through my season of anger, my kindred spirit comforted me.

with my kindred spirit, plans to move were made.

because of plans to move, i became friends with a stranger.

because of that stranger, my best friend decided to join YWAM and go into ministry.

because of the Lord’s faithfulness, my anger has subsided.

because of my Jesus, my soul of chaos is at peace.

i have seen the work of the Lord in this season.

i know there is purpose.


autumn was full of color.

full of adventure.

full of light.

i knew when the season ended, that it was time.

i knew that when the Lord said no, there was reason.

i have peace.

and oh, this winter wind is brutal.

the chaos overwhelms.

but i have no doubt.

i have no wavering.

there is purpose.

there is always purpose.


when i say that i am nothing, i mean it.

i have nothing to offer, i bring nothing to the table.

to this empty page.

the Lord is my everything and He is my voice.

He keeps me warm in the winter and He will make the flowers bloom in the spring.

He will create the purpose for this season.

however long the winter shall be.

i have no fear.

He is everything.

the Lord is everything.

 

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