little girl

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daughter.

your faith has made you well; go in peace.

little girl.

I say to you, arise.


honestly,

and i hesitate to even say it,

because the fear of vulnerability wages war inside.

honestly,

i stopped loving You a long time ago.

honestly,

my voice is relentless in sharing Your faithfulness and goodness,

but my heart is surrounded by brick walls of doubt and bitterness.

honestly,

i have doubts.

i am not sure how to trust you.

i have overpowering control issues.

honestly,

i miss you.


i sat at church this morning silently praying,

Lord let your Spirit reign in this temple.

over and over and over,

i cried out.

i haven’t opened my Bible on my own in months.

i just started opening it at church a few weeks ago.

i feel so distant.

so outcasted.

so weary and brokenhearted.

so overwhelmed.

Lord let your Spirit move in this temple.


my best friend is attending YWAM right now,

and yesterday shared a blog of her experiences so far.

she shared a story of the Lord speaking the phrase “my child” over her.

her and i, we are very similar.

stubborn.

independant.

strong-willed.

control freaks.

i find no coincidence in the fact that the Lord is working in similar ways throughout each of our lives.

i find no accident in the fact that the Lord is using her experience in my life to open my eyes to the truth of His love.


for the past two weeks,

i have lived with a family of seven,

with kids ranging from eleven years old to eight days old.

i do not claim to understand what it is like to be a parent,

but i am learning so much about what love looks like through that.

relentless love.

unconditional love.

love even when the two year old is on the floor screaming.

love even when the eleven year old is arguing.

love even when you have nothing else to give.

love even when they seem unlovable.


i feel unlovable more often than not.

i argue, i run, i hide.

i pray prayers of “draw me closer to You, whatever it takes,”

and follow with “as long as it doesn’t take this or that.”

i am selfish.

i am wretched.

i get angry to quickly.

i don’t let people in.

i am scared of being loved. terrified.

because to love is to be vulnerable.

i am learning that in more ways than one.


daughter,

your faith has made you well; go in peace.

little girl.

I say to you, arise.

we read through the book of Mark this morning, focusing on Jesus as the perfect man.

we sang praises of “Holy Holy Holy, Lord God Almighty.”

and the Spirit reigned in the temple.

the Word of the Lord said “daughter, go in peace.”

the Word of the Lord said “little girl, arise.”

arise out of this darkness.

arise and find new life.

this Jesus, He is not a distant Lord.

this Jesus, my Jesus, He takes me by the hand and pulls me out of my depravity.

my Jesus, He is a healer.

my Jesus, He is a comforter.

my Jesus, He is relentless.

my Jesus, He calls me “little girl.”

His “little girl.”

and by His grace, I will arise.


this love, it still terrifies me.

i still fight the need to be in control.

i still struggle to hear the clarity of His voice.

i still wrestle to wholeheartedly desire Him.

the thing about His perfection is that He graciously disciplines His children and directs them on the way they should go.

discipline will never seem sexy, but it’s a misunderstood virtue that will always take you somewhere (

the seasons won’t always, or ever, be easy.

the days may never seem as bright as you would like.

but He is a faithful Father who will never run out of love,

even on the darkest of nights.


daughter,

your faith has made you well; go in peace.

little girl.

I say to you, arise.

 

ps. you all should read my best friend’s blog too, because the Lord is doing crazy things in her life.

https://kalihentzel.wordpress.com/2017/01/28/daughter/

 

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