with trembling

 

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worship through the wrestling.

worship in the wavering.

God, i don’t feel you, but i will still praise Your name.

with trembling, rejoice.

at the top of my lungs.

down on my knees.

hands up.

face down.

God, why don’t you show up.

God, why doesn’t the gospel change me anymore.

God, is it my?

it is my fault?

where did i go wrong?

how did i lose sight?

worship through the wrestling.

worship in the wavering.


 

i don’t have eloquent words right now,

nothing lovely to portray the chaos in my soul.

in some seasons you only find the sound of silence,

and quite frankly, that is where i am today.

perhaps i am just overtired.

perhaps i am overdramatic.

perhaps life is simply just overwhelming right now.

i honestly do not know.


i do know this, however:

i lost my voice this morning.

not necessarily in a literal sense,

but something shifted.

my worship was no longer in full confidence.

in full trust, even.

it was completely broken down in admittance of my own bitterness.

my own aching.

my own questioning.

my own darkness.

it was raw and it was ugly.

there were no glistening tears or spiritual awakenings.

but i sang anyway.

i raised my hands anyway.

i bowed down and cried out.

knowing that despite a fickle heart and a mind of chaos,

He is deserving of my praise.

and my praise He shall receive.

for endless days i will praise.

i will sing until i am at a loss for words,

and i will worship even longer.


one day, maybe the trembling sea will be calm.

one day, perhaps the chaos will relent.

i recently watched a woman that a greatly admire regain her voice.

her confidence.

her trust.

not in herself, but in her Creator.

after a season of chaos that lasted what seemed to be an eternity,

she rose up from the dead of winter and found the peace of spring.

i cling to the hope that the Lord Almighty will carry me through the chaos.

through the wrestling and in the wavering.

hands lifted high,

face bowing low.

i will praise Your glorious name.

 

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